Agony Aunt Owen Harper Style
by RicardianScholar Clark-Weasley
Summary: Soapy-Liedown's challenge. Jack has withdrawn from the team and Owen is just lucky enough to find out what the hell is wrong with him. Jack/Ianto/Gwen and Owen/Tosh


_Jack seems withdrawn from the group, but Ianto, Gwen and even Tosh cannot get the truth out of him. But when Owen hears some of Jacks drunken rambling the truth comes out all to fast._

_Must include: Jack/Ianto/Gwen, a fight between Jack and Rhys, the rest is up to you._

Some people believe that I'm not a very perceptive person and in some cases they maybe right but when it comes to sexual tension, I am very perceptive. I mean I know very well that Jack and Gwen really would like to jump each others bones because the sexual tension is just _there. _But then again with Jack the whole place stinks with sex, sexual tension and sexual release.

Trouble with working on such a small team the sexual tension is just thicker and usually between everyone which is why I suggest an orgy every so often, just to lower the tension so I can get a little breathing space. Ianto, Tosh and Gwen always look at me in disgust while Jack pretends to look at me in disgust when you know he wants to because he's eyes are lit up in excitement as he pictures it all.

Dirty randy old man.

Anyway as I was saying I can be very perceptive despite what people think (Ianto, Tosh, Gwen and Jack) and I knew that there was something up with Jack, oh all right everyone knew because the bugger started to ignore us, not eat with us, talk to us, play with us...honestly all he did was sit in that office doing god knows what.

Now Ianto, Tosh and Gwen pride themselves in being understanding and easy to talk to...they're not. All three of them can be so bloody complicated with emotions and what's right that I never talk to them about it; in fact I talk about my problems to Jack.

Usually when I'm under the influence of alcohol but that is not the point.

So then this is how me, Dr Owen Harper (you can stop rolling your eyes Ianto, I am actually a qualified doctor no matter what you believe) became the Torchwood Agony Aunt.

Actually you know what? Scrap that that sounded completely gay.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

It started just after the whole situation with that alien that can grow its body back and more, greedy bastards used the poor sod to make lots of money with the meat district. It put me off my pepperoni pizza that's for sure. I don't know what exactly happened, all I know is that Ianto looked crushed, Gwen nervous and Tosh frustrated.

"What's wrong with you three? You look like a kid being told that Santa ain't real" I asked raising my eyebrows up.

"Jack won't talk to us" Gwen said, rather sulkily if you ask me.

"So?" I said. "Jack might just need some time alone. Come on you three are big girls you can live with Jack being a jerk"

"I'm not a girl" Ianto mumbled before going off to most likely clean the dishes with his pink apron with flowers on (yes Ianto I have seen you in it and you do look like a girl and no it does not make your bum look fat, though why the hell you were asking Gwen that I don't want to know).

"It's just so bloody frustrating!" Gwen snapped. "First he runs off and leaves us no note or sign where he could be. Then he comes back all expecting us to play happy families or something and now he goes and acts like he's all alone and we don't exist!"

"I really hate that man sometimes" Tosh muttered.

"Oh yes, how dare Jack play Mr Dark and Mysterious" I said sarcastically. "Look you two, Jack is an arsehole, end off"

"As eloquent as ever Owen" Jack's voice rumbled behind me, I groaned before turning round to see Jack staring at us all blankly, his blue eyes so empty it gave me the creeps. "All you can go home early, _now, _including Ianto"

Usually I would love to have the whole flipping afternoon off but Jack would always tell e to quit dreaming. This is when I realised that Gwen, Tosh and Ianto were right (but don't tell them, they only get smug). I tuned out of the three girlies arguments and just snatched up my jacket and strolled out with a whistle, later I'm going to have to explore what the fuck is wrong with Jack.

Tosh, Gwen and Ianto stormed out looking disgruntled, I held a hand up to them and they only glared.

"Come on you three we have the whole flipping afternoon off, lets do something fun" I said trying to cheer them up. "We could go to a str-"

"If you say strip show then I will kill you" Gwen hissed menacingly. I gulped and decided to keep my gob shut. "How about we go to the cinema" Gwen suggested brightly, huh what, oh god not another weird mood swing, she's so violent during that time of the month.

"Yeah all right" Tosh agreed with a shrug.

"We could then go to that new Chinese place" Ianto offered. "And then finish off with a drink in a bar somewhere"

"Sounds like a plan, off we go and lets leave Jack to wallow in his stinking misery" I said cheerfully, walking off and ignoring the glares I was getting off of Gwen and Ianto who were both, lets face it in love with Jack Harkness.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

My afternoon stunk, as Gwen liked to say karma got back at me. Well then karma is one hell of a bitch! My wallet was left behind in the Hub and Tosh paid for me but no one would buy or share their sweets and drinks with me, I got stuck between the two blubbers (Gwen and Ianto) who both ended up sobbing into my shoulder when the hero of the story died. Then when we got to the Chinese restaurant since Ianto said he'll pay for me but that meant he has to pick what I eat, I ended up with a stinking chicken and sweet corn soup and a coke. So unfair, I drew the line at going the bar with them without my wallet so they went ahead (and that was when I noticed that Gwen and Ianto were holding hands, weird unless it's some sort of we-love-Jack club thing they got going on) and I rolled my eyes before marching off, ignoring Tosh who was shouting goodbye or whatever.

When I entered the Hub it was silent, no surprise there I would have figured Jack would have taken a long walk off a roof or something, if anyone is an emo it's Jack Harkness and maybe Ianto.

As I shuffled through my torturous pile of paperwork I heard a clanking sound in the autopsy room my haven and temple. Scowling I went to explore while secretly hoping that the weevil I was halfway through dissecting hadn't come back to haunt me, trust me that has happened before.

When I finally entered the room, my gun held up all James Bond like (though I would never wear a suit all the time, that's more Ianto's style than mine) I found Jack lying on the floor, groaning. Rolling my eyes I tuck my gun away and coughed.

Another groan from Jack.

I sighed heavily. "How much have you drunk this time?" I asked.

"I'm snot durnk, only ipsy" Jack slurred.

"Oh pull the other one Harkness I've been pissed enough times to recognise the symptoms" I snapped. I made my way over to him and helped him up, half carrying, half dragging him onto the autopsy table. "What made you drink this time? What depressing story have you got for me?"

"I'm sin lurve" Jack mumbled rubbing his face. "I'm gonna be ick"

I grabbed hold his hair and turned him to face the floor as he began to vomit, I wrinkled my nose in disgust, now thankful that I haven't eaten much at the restaurant. After Jack finished puking his guts up. I patted him on the back and murmured some incoherent sympathetic mutterings before helping him up onto the sofa in the main Hub and getting him a glass of water. By the time I got back he sobered up a lot and from the blood on his shirt I assumed he used his annoying death trick to help him sober up.

"Killed yourself again?" he glared at me and I handed him his water which he gulped down quickly. "Lucky bastard to get out of a hangover like that" I said casually.

"I thought I told you to go home" Jack snapped.

"I left my wallet here and came back to get it" I snapped back. "Now tell me what the fuck is wrong with you or shall I leave you to wallow in your puke for the rest of the night"

Jack glared at me but as always I out glared him; he groaned and rubbed his face. "I'm in love" he admitted.

"With Ianto or Gwen?" I asked it had to be one of those two.

"Both"

"Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit Harkness you are a perve" I said lightly causing him to glare at me, I rolled my eyes. "Carry on all mighty one" I said sarcastically.

"I'm in immortal Owen, they'll age and wither and die or be killed instantaneously in a battle while I'll be left alone" Jack said in a no duh tone of voice. "Then there's the fact we're so different, I was brought up in a time period where three-way marriages and bigger are acceptable those two believe in the monogamy relationship, the one and only, the soul mate and all that crap"

"Yeah mate you might be wrong about that" I said.

"What do you mean?" Jack asked suspiciously.

"Since you've been gone...Ianto and Gwen have...gotten closer..." I looked for the words but couldn't find them and used my usual blunt method. "Look I have a sixth sense of sexual tension and the time between them is that icky gentle slowly blooming lovey dovey type. The best friends turn into lovers after a sweet kiss under the mistletoe type"

"So you're saying...?"

Oh god grief and people said I was the idiot of the group. "Talk to them numb wit"

"All right, all right I will!" Jack said holding his hands up in an 'i-surrender' gesture. "When did you get to be such an agony aunt?"

"Go now or I'll kill painfully" I snarled.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

My mouth dropped open; I honestly could not believe the sight I was seeing. Toshiko Sato, my geeky little Tosh was dancing in the most tempting, sexy way with another man. Suddenly I had the urge to kill this man, tear his head off, rip his testicles and stuff them up where the sun doesn't shine.

"I don't believe it" Jack breathed.

"I know! How could Tosh do-"

"Gwen and _Ianto" _

"Wha...?" I followed Jack's shocked eyes to the sight of Gwen and Ianto kissing so sensually that it was almost some sort of porn film. Blimey, I'm usually right but I never thought I was _this _right. "Well what do you know, looks like you don't have so much of a problem than you thought" I smirked.

"I...I...I honestly don't know what to say" Jack said looking so shocked that I don't think he would have noticed a weevil dancing naked right in front of him, not that would have happened but still... "Other than that is the hottest thing in the world and I so have to join in"

I rolled my eyes and soon found them trailing after Tosh who was now dancing with another man in the most sensual and sexist way ever, it made me want to grab hold of her and carry her over my shoulder, push her up against a wall and snog the hell out of her, my hand trailing up her leg, feeling it's satiny skin and tear off her kn-

Loud shouts made me snap out of my thoughts and I looked to see Rhys the poor idiot sod Williams shouting and raving at Ianto before giving him one hell of a punch. Ianto went flying across the bar and landed against some stools, ouch poor guy. Gwen was now shouting at Rhys when suddenly Jack stormed over and gave Rhys one hell of a punch sending him flying into some girls who look no older than eighteen, they of course screamed.

Jack then threw himself on top of Rhys and continued to beat the hell out of him. Now I really feel sorry for the poor sod Jack wasn't given the guy a chance suddenly then Rhys kicked Jack hard enough to push him off and punched him, the pair had now started to wrestle with one another.

"What the hell is happening?" Tosh asked standing beside me.

"Clip note version?" she nodded. "Jack loves Gwen and Ianto, Gwen and Ianto love one another and Jack and poor Rhys just found out that Gwen is cheating on him, he punched Ianto and Jack is now beating the crap out of him, oh and I want to shag you"

"WHAT?!"

Did I just say that one out loud? Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! But then the half gobsmacked and half hopeful look on her beautiful face made my heart flip over...or maybe that was just the burrito from lunch? There were so many reasons why I don't fall in love, I usually get screwed over so many times that I choose to be heartless and have one night stand after another...

But Tosh has always been there and she would never leave me even when I shout and bully her. I adore her, desire her and right now the barman is about to throw us all out so why not run before I get caught up in the hustle?

I grabbed Tosh's hand and led her out, the moment we got down the street I pushed her up against the wall and began to snog her like mad and god she was kissing me back, god I love her!

Then I heard Jack's voice as he, Gwen and Ianto ran down the street being chased by bouncers.

"Bloody Torchwood!" came the shout.

So there it is not that much of a story to be honest and I'm not that much of an agony aunt but to be honest if I was an agony aunt then the sky would be green, pigs flying in flipping tutus, Eastenders would have happy endings and Jack would be a celibate monk.

Maybe tomorrow when we're most likely going to end up sucked up in a parallel world due to the rift.

But if that does happen and I see an Aunt Owen column in the newspaper I'll kill Ianto before he comments.


End file.
